I CALL BULLSHIT ON...

A couple of years ago Donna Deliva wrote a great article titled "I Call Bullshit…On Tons of Stuff." Every time that I come across this little written piece of greatness it brings a chuckle to my stomach and a "Fuck Yeah" to my lips. After reading Donna's article again I realized that I had some bullshit that I wanted to rant about too!!

I CALL BULLSHIT ON...

HEF'S GIRLFRIENDS
Does anybody truly believe that the sex could be AMAZING enough to make chicks that hot stick around?? Or do money, fame, fortune and laziness drive these gorgeous women to stay with Mr. Wrinkly Viagra Penis?? Call me crazy but I'm going with the money option! 5 more years and those bitches will be laughing all the way to the bank, or at least Holly will be! On the other hand I know that this is kind of fucked up but wouldn't it be funny if Hef didn't even leave them a dime. Don't hate the player, hate the game!

FLYING CARS
Shouldn't we have these by now anyways! The fifties was like fifty years ago and where the fuck are all the flying vehicles. Lord knows that I'd rather be a Jetson over a Flintstone any day of the week, but seriously even if flying cars existed would people be able to handle it? FUCK NO! I can't even drive down the 405 tomorrow morning with out witnessing an accident. We can't even stay in the lines that are already pre-marked for our convenience. Can you even imagine how freaking hard it would be to fly around in the air in a synchronized direction with out hitting each other head on! Babababababullshit!

SCREENING CALLS AND TEXTING
If you call me and I call you right back, ANSWER THE FUCKING PHONE! What is this 7th grade? We've been lucky enough to upgrade from paging 420 and 143 so stop acting like you're SO important, you called me remember? This irritates the shit out of me. If I call you and you don't answer then whatev's. But if I call you and you don't answer but you text me right back, then you're basically telling me to go fuck myself. Unless you're at work or in court answer your phone genius that's what it's for.

QUITTING SMOKING
If you're ready and it's what you really want then good for you. Your now going to live 10 years longer then I am and you'll still sound like jail bait over the phone. But if you're not really ready then don't do it. And don't try to recruit everyone you know to stop smoking. I don't want any of your fucking gum or patches; I don't want to hear about how "my" lungs look like an asshole. Just because you're all sweaty, eating tons of food and biting your nails doesn't mean that you get to treat everyone else like shit. FYI people smoke because they want to. So If your going to quit then quit, end of story.

VOTING V. OPINION
If you're going to be all coked up and talk to me for the next 5 hours about how the next presidential candidates are corrupt and how the world is falling apart, then you better be able to REP your shit. If you're going to tell me that I'm not green enough and that my vote matters, then your vote better count to. Because if I find out that you're not even registered to vote then I automatically get to beat the shit out of you. If you're going to have an opinion on "everything" that's going on in the world and tell me that my views are "wrong" then you better be: registered to vote, actually vote and/or share your weed with your friends, family and neighbors.

DONNA CALLS BULLSHIT ON…

BIG BROTHER
Hey, Craig, stop calling pot "Al Green" and coke "Barry White" when you talk to me on the phone. The FBI are not listening. What kind of budget do you think they have? You'd need three hundred million people to monitor three hundred million people that closely. Is there another America in another dimension that's keeping tabs on us?

SURVIVING ANIMAL ATTACKS
Have you heard what you're supposed to do when pit bulls attack? You're supposed to collapse under them, and as they jump up on you to bite your face, you're supposed to grab them by the neck and strangle them. Sure, I can do that. Of course, I'll have to practice it ten thousand times so it's a natural reflex, but yeah, I can strangle flying pit bulls, no problem. I'm a female ninja.

Dogs smelling fear, punching sharks in the nose, covering a crocodile's eyes, playing dead when bears are around—bullshit. Bears can rip off your head the same way we hit a T-ball off that little post. Like I'm going to lie there and play dead while he sticks his wet nose in my ear and starts sniffing.

Shit my pants and start crying—that I can do.

FAKING ORGASMS
What guy insists his girlfriend cums every time? Andrew Dice Clay? An in-the-closet fag? I'm sorry, but that is bullshit. The majority of women always cum from being eaten out and occasionally cum from getting fucked. Guys know that. What, do you pretend to faint from ecstasy and roll your eyes back in your head like you're having a seizure, too? Outside of Meg Ryan in When Harry Met Sally, I call bullshit on women faking orgasms.

SEXISM
You heard me. I know things are bad for prostitutes in Southeast Asia and everything, but me and my sister Kate have had nothing but a gay old time here in North America since day one. And we grew up dad-less in a shitty part of New York. If anyone in our family can complain about sexism it would have to be my little brother, Carl. He wants to be a fireman, but girls wrecked it. Used to be you had to lift 180 pounds to get the job, but women couldn't do that so they lowered it to 100 pounds. What the fuck? Why don't they lower the requirements for urinals so women can use those too? Now you have these 180-pound firemen scared shitless of going into a burning building with their female partner because they know she can't carry him out.

Maybe I'm just ignorant, but once you take all the bonuses of being a chick into account, whining about sexism sounds like total bullshit to me.

ART
Did you ever read Dan Clowes' Art School Confidential comic? He's making it into a movie. Basically, it calls bullshit on art school and points out that anything they teach you that isn't a specific technical skill or art history is totally subjective and a complete waste of time. Don't believe me? Ask an art-school graduate. It's a scam. Come to think of it, art is a fucking scam. Some Japanese millionaire gives you $400,000 to mount three hundred taps on a wall that exude hot rubber? Wow. You can come up with weird ideas and hire carpenters and engineers to spend three weeks carrying them out. Fuck artists. None of them can even draw hands. You know who does valid art? All those taxidermists that make walruses and wolves and cougars look real at the natural science museum. They may not wear leather jackets with one sleeve and fuck the Hilton sisters, but at least they are actually talented.

AMERICA IS RICH
BUUUULLLLSHIIIIIT. I am flat broke and so is America. Sure, Bangladesh still uses mopeds from the 60s and we have twenty million SUVs, but that's still only 6 percent of the population. And how many of those people can actually afford to be driving them? The point is, most Americans' lives are like Roseanne. The average American owes $7,000 on his credit card. That's a lot of money when the median annual salary is $38,000 a year. Everyone thinks we are the richest people in the world and everyone else is starving, but that's bullshit. We only have the sixth-highest standard of living in the world. We're not just below all those hippie European places like Belgium, Norway, and Sweden; we're also below fucking Australia. According to the UN, it's Canada that everyone is tripping over themselves trying to get to. The only ones pushing down our doors are Mexicans that are dying of starvation. I call bullshit on us being so rich.

CONDOMS
I call bullshit on those things. Unless you're a total slut in a bad neighborhood, you don't really need condoms. Especially in high school, when everyone is too inexperienced to have STDs. Oh, and AIDS (or should I say "SHMAIDS"). I call a huge fucking gigantic bullshit on that stupid disease. Sorry, but middle-class kids who don't have gay sex and never use needles (i.e. 80 percent of North America) DON'T GET AIDS. I know hundreds of people, even some who died of AIDS, but they were either gay or junkies. Do you know anyone who knows anyone who knows anyone who knows anyone who isn't gay or a needle user but got AIDS anyway? No, you don't.

And STDs? Big whoop. The worst ones I've ever heard of anyone getting are herpes and venereal warts. Herpes tends to go away after the first two outbreaks, and venereal warts are taken care of with a few blasts of liquid nitrogen. I know that technically the virus is with you forever, but talk to someone who got herpes or VWs more than three years ago. They've probably forgotten about them. As for the clap and gonorrhea and the other bullshit STDs, they can be cured in an afternoon. Seriously. Doctors have us scared so shitless of sex that we won't let any guy come within a light-year of our pussies. I'm sorry. I like guys and I like doing it with guys and the guys I do it with are really cool to me. As far as my boyfriend not wanting to "wrap it"? Come on in, Craig! The only guys I ever made wear a condom were the ones who were too stupid to pull out. I haven't seen a condom since I called bullshit on those types of guys years ago.

HUGE COMPANIES
One hundred floors of hard-working people that are generating tons of revenue for the company working 50 hours a week? Sure they are. How can you possibly monitor the work of all those Dilberts sitting in those little cubicles with their little Garfield posters and Monday jokes? Especially when the company's going through a boom and nobody cares. No wonder Enron got away with murder. You could probably surf internet porn and IM all your old high-school buddies for the rest of your life without being noticed. Big, huge companies are just a fancy word for welfare. Shit, I'm writing this thing at my job right now and I have a HUGE FUCKING PILE of purchase orders sitting next to me. I call bullshit on those, too.

SUFFOCATING SOMEONE WITH A PILLOW
Have you ever tried this? Maybe if it's your dying granddad and he's on life-support and he's basically in a coma. Maybe. But suffocating a healthy dude with a pillow? It is so easy to pull your chin into your neck and create a breathing space, there's no way you could suffocate. If someone was trying to smother me with a pillow I'd bend my mouth down towards my neck and then wriggle around like I was choking. Then I'd go all limp and hold my breath like I was dead (sucker).


Damn that felt GOOD!


What makes you call BULLSHIT??